i think the reason i dont know what to do and the reason that i feel depressed and unmotivatied and uninspired and evertthing else that starts with un is that i have lost myself in some sort of black and grey world not meaning black as depressing, meaning black fashion black people minimalsm futurism and call it what ever you want. i thought i found myself in my scandinavian roots but maybe i was wrong. some years back i never wore a black garment. never. i didnt own one and i wish i did and i wish i could buy a black dress but it never happend. i was color and i wanted color. today its quite the opposit i barley have much color in my wardrobe and if i for once put on something colorfull i feel the need to hide or run home and change. as soon as i have black i feel safe. how weird is that? i wish i was color again. my soul need color my heart needs color. 

i also think i lost my inspiration and motivation because i somehow forgot what i like. this afternoon i found my inspiration folder on my laptop wich i kind of forgot i had. and i saw what i missed and forgot my inspiration and my motivation is here again at least for tonight and im listening to poetic music they are all singing in french and i dont understand a word, but i wish i did oh how i wish i could speak like they do sometimes i thikn that life would be funnier and more exciting if i could speak french. of course im too lazy to learn but i wish. when i hear the french songs i think about pastel and old movies especially the girls in the old movies. i thikn of pink japanese cherry trees along a ally the sky is blue and the air fresh and it smells like paradise, im thinking about champange in a old glass found at the best fleamarket and balloons flying in the sky. old cookie jars with roses thats fading away, if you open the jar you find letters that someone forgot they had a long time ago but letters that once upon a time meant the world to someone letters with words that once upon a time made someone so happy that they didnt need one more thing in their life. but that was once not now. now they are forgotten the love is forgotten the love is not there anymore it went away and founded someone else instead. i dont know why but i suddenly have an erge to write down all things i think. and i think i like it. it makes my brain work and my imagination to flow. pictures in my head to flash by and it makes me feel calm happy and excited all in one.